Trying to Fix Me

I've never been one to ask God for a lot when I was coming up. Even now I don't; but sometimes I wish that he could've given me the things that many people have had, or have. There's a reason for everything, so I don't have a right to question Him about anything. Then sometimes I wonder why things happened and/or end up the way they would. I remember thinking to myself, and my mom telling my sisters and I, about all the patterns we'd go through and great experiences. I was always able to see my first kiss at 12, first boyfriend at 13, high school dances, getting asked by a guy to be his date for the prom, going away to college, meeting the guy I would marry while in school, then getting married at 23. That's how I thought it was supposed to be when I was younger. But it didn't work that way.

I never made it to any school dances, for they were for couples only. Now I look back and think of the guy who asked me, well, who had his friend ask me for him, if I would go to homecoming with him. I said no because I didn't know him and said I would be out of town. Prom... didn't go either. If I could never get a date for a dance, then why bother with prom? To make a long story short, I never had the first dance. It's so hard to even think about or talk about, because I feel like a freak. Me, a dancer, a girl who stopped dancing in a studio three years ago, never slow danced with a guy. Imagine that. Guess life really doesn't happen the way you think it will.

I'm 25 years old now, and still, never had a boyfriend. I know it's not all that important, but I always felt as if I deserved to have a guy tell his friends "this is my girlfriend" and bring me to his home to meet his parents. I want that one day. I've been wanting it one day for the past 10 years. I still can't believe that I've let myself get used and abused. Now that I'm really sitting down to think about it, I really did that so I could see what it felt like for someone to pretend that they cared about me, because I never had that feeling. Only heartbreak. How do you react to living without being cared about, let down every time, and knowing the first guy to tell you that he loved you committed suicide. It isn't easy.

I need to know and understand that everything happens for a reason. There's got to be a reason as to why all these things happened to me. Some things I have control over and some things I didn't, and still don't. I just want to be normal for once. Like everyone else. I wish all of this wouldn't be plaguing me all of a sudden, because I've been fine. I guess it's all because certain events and being around work with people my age that I don't have anything in common with. It's tough, because I like my job, but it's hard not really having any friends there. I made one today, so it's a start. Maybe it'll get better. Then with me sitting at the apartment alone, gets really sad and lonely some days. Now I'm scared to even ask people if they want to hang out or spend time with me. I've been such a burden, and I feel absolutely terrible. I'm just going to have to live like an adult and adapt to the changes. It hurts not being wanted, but I'll be fine. I need to understand and I do understand that not everyone has to feel obligated to cater to me if I'm alone most of the time. It isn't fair to them. I'm just going to start spending time with myself more and finding activities to get myself involved in. Maybe I'll meet some new people. All in all, I need to be even more independent than I have been. I thought I was doing well. Guess I haven't been.