Wow! Has My Life Gotten Better

... Since my last post! I don't even know where to begin. I'm stronger now, more assertive, don't let people walk all over me, I know I deserve the best man ever, and I love myself for who I am! Oh, and I'm extremely grateful for my wonderful friends and family. I'll be embarking on an amazing journey beginning March 10th and can't wait! My life will change forever. Who ever knew weight loss surgery could be so uplifting? Hmm... :)

Options

A job opportunity arose, and it's actually one I've been waiting for. It would be a great opportunity for me to get out of my current position, move on up, and then see about making things happen between the person of interest and myself. At the same time, if I were to get this job, chances are the training would occur when I'm supposed to go see my best friend at the end of April. I really need the trip, because I've been going through a lot lately. Only a few people know, and since not many read my blog, I'm not too worried about lots of people learning what's been going on. I've been suffering from depression and will begin seeing a psychiatrist in the next week or two. I felt like a failure for a while, because I couldn't get a grip, move on from getting my heart broken, felt abandoned, and still in love with someone who once loved me. I couldn't get out of bed, I would cry uncontrollably everyday, forget where I was, in a daze, wouldn't eat, etc. I felt like I was in hell, but a cold, sad, and lonely place. I've never been this way in my entire life. I've been broken up over guys before, but this was different. Very different. However it is, I had to do something to help myself. I'll be okay. Anyway, my point is, I really need a vacation. I think my health and well-being is more important right now than trying to find another job and getting a guy... which I would more than likely fail at doing, since things never seem to work out for me. It sucks knowing that I met someone with my same personality, and would probably fail at winning them over. I need to focus on myself for now.

Taking A Chance

So for months now, you've been trying to find another job or maybe even move up in the company you work for. Well, not so much, but find something that has better work hours and utilize your degree. Then you end up meeting someone whom reminds you so much of yourself... but there's nothing you can really do about it unless you find another job. You think, and so do a few others, that you would have a great shot with them since the two of you seem to be an incredible match. What if it doesn't work? What if you leave your job in pursuit of this guy, and it fails? What the hell do you do? Sure, you were looking to go elsewhere anyway, so maybe the questions just posted answered themselves... what have you got to lose? Nothing at all!

Year Later... Still Nothing

It's been almost a year already since I had gotten my heart broken... and I'm still not over it. I feel like a failure. I've cried everyday since last week. Come next week, I'll be a total trainwreck. Why did this have to happen to me? Life doesn't make it any easier, since all of my friends are involved with someone, getting married, or engaged. I've come a long way, and I've succeeded goals that I've set for myself... but I can't seem to move on, find someone else, or get him back. What's so wrong with me that I've become the most unwanted girl in Louisiana?

Sick

When something bothers me, mainly due to guilt, shame, and wanting to be forgiven; I always have the worst feeling in my stomach. I can't eat, or have to force myself to. Then when I do make myself eat, I try to function as a normal human being. A happy person. Then something comes over me which makes me cry, and I can't seem to stop. After pulling myself together, I end up with a splitting headache. I try to make myself busy to forget about what's turning me inside out, but then eventually I get hit by an emotional MACK Truck and throw up... then I start all over from square one. It's been a long time, a little over two years, since I've felt this bad. The last time was when I had done something terribly wrong when I was working with football, and my friends turned into people who hated my very existence, told me to get the fuck out, and wouldn't speak to me. I lost eight pounds in three days. I was pretty bad off. My twin sister was the one who picked me back up. This time, I have no one. This is hard. This is very hard, but like the last time, I did it to myself. I hate living like this. I tried to get out the apartment and walk it off, but all I did was cry my eyes out and turned back around. It's not too safe walking by yourself at night in Baton Rouge, but I didn't care. I only turned around and came back because I was about to throw up. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, but I can't help it when guilt consumes me. I hate being so weak. I've been so strong lately, and had been building myself back up. I'll get up. It's the only way, and the only way I can move on and show that I can overcome anything. Everything happens for a reason, and only God knows why. I'm trying to keep my head up, but I'm at my lowest low. I'm going to try and go to sleep.

A Reinvention

It's been a while. I'm going to spend more time here than I have before. I figured that it would be a good idea since I've deactivated my facebook, because I would like to spend more time writing, and working in the areas that I had gotten my degree in. Why not put it to use?

I found myself the other day admiring many people, the way they live, their accomplishments, and most importantly, how they live their lives to the fullest... without so much worry. I wish I were like that, and I want to become that way. Don't get my wrong, I don't want to change who I am, I love who I am, but I would like to branch out and embrace something new for once. Being carefree. I can only imagine how much better I would feel if I could just loosen up a little more. I used to be that way actually, about four or so years ago. I don't know what happened. I guess some of my mom's overprotectedness and sheltering traits she posses have worn off on me a bit. Even in my 20s, she still controlled just about every move I made until I moved out. Well, now I want to put that behind me and begin a new chapter in my life and better myself. How will I start? Well, I'm going to take off by myself for a few days on a whim, and do things I've never really done or held myself back from ever wanting to do. Tomorrow, I'm going to go relax in the sauna at my apartment complex :) . Yes, I've never really been in a sauna with a towel, because I was too shy to go in just a towel... but I'm embracing myself :).

Just... Awkward

So tonight I was totally looking forward to going out with friends for dinner, drinks, and a fun game of bowling. I really needed it. Work was okay, could've been pretty good, but was ruined by a co-worker. Yep, long story, but to make it short, I got bitched out and told to "prioritize" when I've had more shit to do than everyone else lately. Even after I told him that my supervisor told me I was doing the right thing, he just didn't seem to listen or care. Bastard.

Okay, so back to dinner... it sucked. Really, it did. I was completely left out of just about every conversation, except for when my roommate and her boyfriend tried to include me when they could. It felt so... normal. I hate it, and I'm sick and tired of being blocked out as if I don't really matter. I don't ask for much, and never really do, but damn! Seriously! I thought I didn't really have to deal with that anymore. Most of what I encounter and absolutely hate, is when I'm with someone, one on one, like dinner or hanging out, and in mid conversation, their phone rings. They answer and go on with their phone conversation. I hate that! I don't do that to people. If I do, it's a good reason, and if I feel it's important or being ignored to being with. Only once in my entire life, that I remember one person actually silencing their phone cause they wanted to give me their full attention. Maybe I don't deserve it. Guess I really do suck that bad.

Now I'm back to dinner again. Did I mention that it blew? Of course I did. Okay, so I was the only single person there and odd one out. I had no one to talk to and nothing much in common with everyone else. Each time I tried to get into a conversation, I seemed to be ignored. So all I could do, was watch the traffic roll by. I'm begining to hate the single life. I was enjoying it for a while, but now it's no fun. But will someone come along, F*@& NO! Why? That's the way it's always been for Kimberly. A life filled with relationship disappointments. The latest? Well, I became the laughing stock of my friends and work... I had, what I thought was a date, an outing with a gay guy. Yep, and he won't even return my calls. Do I really have that much bad luck with guys, that even gay guys don't want to be bothered with me. Oh well, I was a bit let down, cause I met the guy four years ago, and thought that maybe it could've been a sign or something since we'd run into each other and tried to make plans for the past few years. I wasn't into him really, but thought that I could give it a shot... but it was a no-go and I, once again, became the girl to be laughed at. I mean, I do have guys that would give me attention at work or send me emails when I look really nice, but most of them have girlfriends and are wrong for that. I just don't care anymore. So much so that I can laugh at myself. I'm so done, and ready to move out of Louisiana within the next few years. Looking at Texas, but I don't know for sure. Going to visit with my roomie/best friend to see what it's looking like job-wise, etc. Maybe that place will be nice to me. WHATEVER!