Sick

When something bothers me, mainly due to guilt, shame, and wanting to be forgiven; I always have the worst feeling in my stomach. I can't eat, or have to force myself to. Then when I do make myself eat, I try to function as a normal human being. A happy person. Then something comes over me which makes me cry, and I can't seem to stop. After pulling myself together, I end up with a splitting headache. I try to make myself busy to forget about what's turning me inside out, but then eventually I get hit by an emotional MACK Truck and throw up... then I start all over from square one. It's been a long time, a little over two years, since I've felt this bad. The last time was when I had done something terribly wrong when I was working with football, and my friends turned into people who hated my very existence, told me to get the fuck out, and wouldn't speak to me. I lost eight pounds in three days. I was pretty bad off. My twin sister was the one who picked me back up. This time, I have no one. This is hard. This is very hard, but like the last time, I did it to myself. I hate living like this. I tried to get out the apartment and walk it off, but all I did was cry my eyes out and turned back around. It's not too safe walking by yourself at night in Baton Rouge, but I didn't care. I only turned around and came back because I was about to throw up. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself, but I can't help it when guilt consumes me. I hate being so weak. I've been so strong lately, and had been building myself back up. I'll get up. It's the only way, and the only way I can move on and show that I can overcome anything. Everything happens for a reason, and only God knows why. I'm trying to keep my head up, but I'm at my lowest low. I'm going to try and go to sleep.