I Knew It Was A Bad Idea

What most of you don't know, I ended up doing something at the end of last week that I swore up and down that I would never do. I signed up on Match.com. Yes, Kimberly Amanda Bryant paid $30 to try and do what a friend suggested. I did it, and I regret it. TOTALLY! Almost every guy who's looked at my profile is old enough to be my father. Seriously. Well, most of them in their 40's, but still. Only two guys were in their early to mid 20s. And the only guy to wink at me. A 53-year-old divorced man with three grown kids. I almost cried. Am I really that bad of a person that I only seem to attract old men? I don't get it. I've been traumatized by most of them since I was like 15 years old. Being sexually harrassed by old, disgusting men is SO gross. No wonder I don't like older guys. This whole thing sucks and I want my money back. I'm begining to belive that ten years from now, that I'm going to be another single, black woman who will be successful in her career, but will never get married, have kids, or have had a real boyfriend. I just hope that God has heard my prayers since I was 13 for a boyfriend and one day a husband, and is just waiting for the right time to make something happen for me. Why does everything else seem to work out for me, but when it comes to guys, they never do? Ugh! As of two minutes ago, I'm officially quitting my hunt/chase. It's hopeless. Glad everything else in my life is great!

Let's Get Physical!

My mind is totally made up. I'm officially joining a gym next Tuesday! I called Anytime Fitness up here on Jefferson and had a very insightful conversation with a guy who works there. He's sold me rather quickly. I thought about joining the one out in Hammond before I moved here, but that never happened. But seriously, it's time for me to shed these pounds. I'm just very excited again about my summer. I'm going to be working A LOT of overtime, if all goes well and I successfully make my 90 day mark. I'm a little nervous about that.

I'm very glad that I took the day to straighten myself out, and that I've got the internet at my apartment again. I figured that I have to do something to get myself in shape. I noticed when I worked out everyday, that EVERYTHING for my mind, body, and soul fell into place. It's like I function incredible well. I can't wait! It'll be a new begining of feeling so much better about myself.

My friends came back from their wedding in Italy and they had quite a few suprises for me. They got me a pair of beautiful rosary beads from The Vatican and a medal. Oh, and it gets better. The rosarys we blessed by yours truely. Pope Benedict the XVI! It was amazing! I still can't believe they got that for me. That means more to me than anything they could've gotten me. Anyone really. My mom was in awe over them as well. They were lucky to even have him bless their marriage the day after their wedding. How amazing is that?

Well, I'm tired, so I better get going. Wow, next Tuesday can't come soon enough!

What If

... you're afraid that you may've hurt someone or upset them when you were trying to be honest and wanted to say you were sorry for seeming like you were trying to hold them back? I can't. It's not fair to them. I'm letting them go because...

All Downhill From Here?

Have you ever been so scared of rejection, that you don't know what to do with yourself? What if it seems as though that fear has come true. And to make it all even worse, what if you are fearing something else at the same time? How about the unknown? That makes things even worse, right?

Today of all days, I've was riding an emotional rollercoaster. Work being the main culprit, family issues, then other things. Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and make them go away. But that will never happen, no matter how hard I try.

Sometimes when you fear the unknown, no matter how much it may hurt if you seek an answer and what you don't want, can be the only way one can become at peace with themselves. That includes trying to pick up the pieces and move on. Easier said than done. MUCH easier said than done, and it's not easy even saying it. This isn't so much fun. Not at all. I'm totally lost right now, but I need answers. I just pray that my heart wasn't given back to me.

Closer

Who would've ever thought that the one who disliked me the most at work without even knowing me, would become one of my new friends that I've become the closest to. Funny how life happens. From the time I started training, I sensed that this certain girl didn't like me at all. To make a long story short, she's gotten to know me pretty well within the last six weeks, and she and I have been hanging out, talking and sending messages back in forth to eachother lately. It's been great! Today was just a complete turnaround and I had a blast! My trainer even stopped me today and told me that she's really going to miss me when I'm done training. She also told me that I made her laugh everyday :). Not to mention that I met more people today and realized just how great they really are. I'm so happy right now! I knew that I would be fine and that things would get better. I guess it's something we all go through in life, and today was my turning point. I really can venture into this world on my own and make things even better. I'm already making plans of things I'm going to go do this weekend by myself that are fun and taking care of myself physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I'm loving this, I'm loving life... I'm loving ME!

Not Now, Not Ever

I don't know what to do. I'll have to disappear for a while, some kind of way. I don't know what will happen. I'm scared. This can't be happening again.

Trying to Fix Me

I've never been one to ask God for a lot when I was coming up. Even now I don't; but sometimes I wish that he could've given me the things that many people have had, or have. There's a reason for everything, so I don't have a right to question Him about anything. Then sometimes I wonder why things happened and/or end up the way they would. I remember thinking to myself, and my mom telling my sisters and I, about all the patterns we'd go through and great experiences. I was always able to see my first kiss at 12, first boyfriend at 13, high school dances, getting asked by a guy to be his date for the prom, going away to college, meeting the guy I would marry while in school, then getting married at 23. That's how I thought it was supposed to be when I was younger. But it didn't work that way.

I never made it to any school dances, for they were for couples only. Now I look back and think of the guy who asked me, well, who had his friend ask me for him, if I would go to homecoming with him. I said no because I didn't know him and said I would be out of town. Prom... didn't go either. If I could never get a date for a dance, then why bother with prom? To make a long story short, I never had the first dance. It's so hard to even think about or talk about, because I feel like a freak. Me, a dancer, a girl who stopped dancing in a studio three years ago, never slow danced with a guy. Imagine that. Guess life really doesn't happen the way you think it will.

I'm 25 years old now, and still, never had a boyfriend. I know it's not all that important, but I always felt as if I deserved to have a guy tell his friends "this is my girlfriend" and bring me to his home to meet his parents. I want that one day. I've been wanting it one day for the past 10 years. I still can't believe that I've let myself get used and abused. Now that I'm really sitting down to think about it, I really did that so I could see what it felt like for someone to pretend that they cared about me, because I never had that feeling. Only heartbreak. How do you react to living without being cared about, let down every time, and knowing the first guy to tell you that he loved you committed suicide. It isn't easy.

I need to know and understand that everything happens for a reason. There's got to be a reason as to why all these things happened to me. Some things I have control over and some things I didn't, and still don't. I just want to be normal for once. Like everyone else. I wish all of this wouldn't be plaguing me all of a sudden, because I've been fine. I guess it's all because certain events and being around work with people my age that I don't have anything in common with. It's tough, because I like my job, but it's hard not really having any friends there. I made one today, so it's a start. Maybe it'll get better. Then with me sitting at the apartment alone, gets really sad and lonely some days. Now I'm scared to even ask people if they want to hang out or spend time with me. I've been such a burden, and I feel absolutely terrible. I'm just going to have to live like an adult and adapt to the changes. It hurts not being wanted, but I'll be fine. I need to understand and I do understand that not everyone has to feel obligated to cater to me if I'm alone most of the time. It isn't fair to them. I'm just going to start spending time with myself more and finding activities to get myself involved in. Maybe I'll meet some new people. All in all, I need to be even more independent than I have been. I thought I was doing well. Guess I haven't been.